Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Thoughts

Being cooped up in an apartment for 2 days causes two things: cabin fever and thinking. The ice--well, actually, the inability of Georgia DOT to clear roads--has kept me stuck in my apartment for 2 days. Since I'm from the north, snow and ice doesn't scare me and I'll drive on it without a problem. Unfortunately down here in the South, the news and police tell everyone to stay home and not drive their cars which I've found out is because they have no idea how to deal with snowy and icey roads. It's really not that difficult. They knew the storm was coming so they should have PRE-salted the roads. That would've fixed most of the problems, but they aren't that smart down here evidently. I'm sorry, I know that's mean. I was so stir crazy though that I ended up going outside in the horrible cold and brushing all the snow and ice off my car...that will save me time in the morning unless I again have to work from home because everything is going to freeze over again tonight and the apartment complex has not been plowed or salted at all. Like I said, they have absolutely no idea what do with winter weather down south. It really truly boggles my mind.

Anyway, I've had a lot of time to think the past couple days. I have old friends who are getting opportunities to follow their dreams. A few of them in particular are in studios recording albums. Granted, they aren't professional/signed artists, but they are still making an album. I can't help but be jealous. And when I'm jealous I tend to turn up my nose and look down on those people which isn't fair because they are just doing something they've always wanted to do. I wouldn't want people to look down on me if I was going after my dream. I know I wouldn't because it happened and it wasn't fun. It actually put a lot of doubts in my mind and because of not feeling like I had any support--in addition to being afraid--I gave up on my dreams. I had my opportunities and I just threw them into the wind and turned my back. I really have no right to be jealous of others' dreams coming true because I turned my back on my dreams. Fear made me a cynical realist who thought 'dreams are just that--dreams, and dreams aren't reality. If you follow your dreams you will only get hurt in the end.' I know, that is incredibly sad, but it's what I've been telling myself for years in order to justify giving up. That's one thing I've been thinking. Another is that those dreams--the dream of a life of fame, fortune and success--were those of an 18 year old girl from Jersey who dreamed of being an actress ever since seeing Beauty and the Beast on Broadway when she was 8 years old. Then that 18 year old got off a plane in Los Angeles and proceeded to face reality. I loved, still love, and will always love performing--entertaining people. But being around LA taught me that fame and fortune is not all it's cracked up to be. Fame and fortune doesn't bring with it happiness and a perfect storybook life--most of the time it brings the exact opposite. So on one hand, I regret giving up my dream to be a successful film actress, but on the other hand, the fine print of that dream would have made me a miserable person so giving it up gave me the chance to find a new dream. That is something I've struggled with for years. Until I came around to figuring out that the only dream I need--the only one worth having--is whatever God wants for my life. That's my dream now: Whatever God would have me do, whoever God would have me be--THAT is who I want to be. I believe that God wouldn't give me a passion for entertaining people if He didn't want to fit it into my life somehow. I just have to wait and see how it is going to work out. It may just be a small theater group in a church, a community theater group, or maybe it will one day be a film. I love making people laugh, and writing, and singing, and acting and I know that somehow God will fit those together with other parts of my life but He'll do it in a way that helps fulfill His purpose. I'm incredibly impatient and would love for Him to pick up the pace a bit, but I'll just have to keep waiting. His timing is perfect.

Oy, this is what happens when I am stuck inside for two days with only the sleeping dog and my thoughts to keep me company...thinking often gets me into trouble. This thinking, even if it makes absolutely no sense to any of you, has really helped me put life in perspective. Which can't be a bad thing (I hope).

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