Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Reshaping It All From Head to Toe and Everywhere In-Between

I've thought really hard about whether to say any of this on here. It's incredibly difficult stuff for me to admit. But for accountability's sake. I am. And for my sake. I can't do it all by myself. So I'm laying it out there. Maybe something I write will inspire someone else, just as an old friend's mother's journey has inspired me to open up and be more honest.

Here I am at the end of freshman year of college (right):


I was 19 years old.

I had the Freshman NEGATIVE 20.

I also had an eating disorder. I lost that weight within a 2 month period of time. That was the beginning.

In all honesty, I should not use this picture as a motivator.
I shouldn’t use any pictures from freshman, sophomore or junior year as a motivator.
All my ‘good’ pictures (the ones where I’m wonderfully thin) are that way because I abused my body to be that way.

Freshman year I would go to dinner with everyone and just drink a soda. Eventually they stopped commenting. I know one of them just thought I was doing it for attention. Guys can be major, egotistical idiots sometimes...

Sophomore year...well, it involves passing out at Six Flags, among other things.

Junior year of college I kept a magazine spread from Us Weekly tacked to the wall where I would see it multiple times a day, every day that was ‘stars who could gain 10 pounds’ with their boniest pictures and approximate weight. Sick, huh?

It was a control issue. I felt like I couldn’t control anything else in my life, but I could control me.

I 'got better' after junior year.

Since my senior year of college, my weight has gone up and down and back around.

My thinnest period between Sept 2006 and now, was when I was in Spain. I walked to work and back home everyday--and then to wherever I went at night. There wasn't really any public transportation worth taking. 2 miles in each direction (to work). By default, I ate incredibly healthy...although most of my calories came from Tintos de Verano and Coke Light (very different from diet coke, it's like regular, but lighter. Still some calories--and AMAZING). But all the walking totally counteracted anything I ate or drank.

But then I came back to the states. With bad, crappy food around every corner. Fast food. I kind of think fast food is like the downfall of civilization. I did manage to keep off a lot of the weight...until I started working at a desk. It's incredible how sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day can completely throw everything off. You may even eat less than before, but you still gain. I just read in the last couple weeks about how if you work at a desk all day, you HAVE to get up and walk around once every 30 minutes or you're screwed.

Then I moved to Georgia. It's been incredibly tough here, and I think my unhappiness of the past year has become visible in how I look. I've gained a lot of weight...which makes me more unhappy. But now that I'm getting involved with church, things are turning around. Slowly, but they are turning.

As I said up there a bit, I suffer from what I call Eating Disorder Syndrome--or EDNOS. My mind can become consumed with the thought of food, and as a result, I adopt mannerisms of an anorexic or bulemic, or an overeater. The thoughts are constantly there, and to some degree, they always will be at least in the back of my mind. Some days I have to fight with myself to eat, or to stop eating, or to keep the food in. I'm proud to say I have very rarely failed myself since my college years. Until a few weeks ago. When I did fail. And the immediate regret made me realize I have to fix this. I crossed a line. And I KNOW that trying to fix it by myself isn't going to work. By myself I have no will power.

I've mentioned it before, but Candace Cameron Bure's Reshaping It All tackles these types of issues in a spiritual way. (By the way, I WILL be doing GIVEAWAY of the book, maybe 2 books, very soon) After reading the book, I really came to understand that it's about a healthy lifestyle--not a diet. And that you have to address eating from a Godly perspective.

So I've begun to do just that. I've started to change my entire lifestyle. Putting God at the forefront of everything. I'm using the Weight Watchers point system at first in order to get myself better acquainted with correct portions, but I don't want to live my life counting points, so I'm trying to learn that very quickly. Since I do sit at a desk all day, I get up every morning at 5 and do a program called Insanity, which is literally insane. At work I get up every 30 minutes just to move around a little. After work, I run about 2-3 miles, 5-7 on Saturday. I don't drink calories, except for one cup of milk. If I want a cookie, I eat a cookie--but just one (oreo). YOU CAN EAT JUST ONE. I follow this bit from the book: "There is a popular term in the land of the lean called HALT- are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? If you are hungry than proceed but if you are responding to an emotion than HALT!" (p 60) I know it sounds like I'm reverting to control, but I'm really trying to strike a good balance between control and spontaneity.

I’m turning 26 in about 6 days and I’m done with constantly thinking about food and my weight. I'm done with eating to fill a void, done with binging, done with 'purging'. I’m starting my 3rd week of eating right, and 2nd week of exercising daily. And I’m happy and have more energy than I have in a LONG time. And most importantly I’m striving to lose the weight in a healthy way. EDNOS is around forever—but it only matters if I let it.

2 comments:

  1. i obsess, too. not good. i'll be praying for you, girl! and i'm really sad you're not in california this month. :(

    ReplyDelete